I was a little surprised. Why did I feel safer when I thought of having no body at all? My life became a series of desperate attempts to leave, and make a home in the feeling of nothingness that I associated with my failed gender. I wanted to be a boy from a young age. You may also like. It was around then that I really dug into my obsession with body hair from the scalp line, downand soon after, its intersection with mental health, queerness and race.
As I got older, to a more cogent age of nine, the lesbianism began and I knew I would never be Girl.
My gender is not neutral, my gender is brown, and hairy, and lesbian
I remember rationalizing that this was better than having hair there, and crept out of the house to catch the bus to school. I felt like a predatory freak. That sounded like a fun game. As you can probably guess, people who are born as males have more testosterone than estrogen, and people who are born as females have more estrogen than testosterone. Until then, I had seen articles and posts addressing cis people, and been present in conversations around cis-ness, and I nodded along and internalised the messages as though they were directed at me, but the weight of the word was always dulled to me, like I was separated from it by the thin film of a bubble. I remained dissociated from it — until the bubble was quite casually burst one day by a white trans person.